You, Jesus, and Canons

So I went to Artex's wedding last weekend (Jan 24th, 2009). I had a good flight, it was brief and I didn't die. The Ray family picked everything up so I paid for pretty much nothing. I got to see Chainsaw, Jeremy, Will, Walrus, Dax; tons of people I find awesome yet awesome. I had sex with 4 of the 5 brides maids (one had a scheduling conflict), I did a bunch of cocaine with Jeremy, and I went to an indoor gun range and fired off a few rounds of a hand cannon.

All in all, I'd say it was a resounding success.

It was a religious ceremony which, as you know, makes my skin crawl. I was surprised that the MC actually said "this is a religious ceremony". I thought that was pretty interesting. As if the gigantic spectacle of a church, the huge crosses lining the walls, and the half a dozen prayers said during the event weren't enough of a clue. I thought it was unfortunate, actually, to take the time to say that. Because really it detracted from the fact that what it was ACTUALLY about was a social tradition celebrating love. Granted, it is a social tradition celebrating sanctioned Christian love, but it was a Christian wedding so what do ya' expect?

The gatherings were fun. Jeremy got shit house drunk and made a donkeys ass of himself... which was awesome. He also gave a speach at the reception sighting that he was pissed at Artex for sins from earlier years... which was awesome. Pretty much Jeremy was awesome.

We went to a meat barn for lunch Saturday. It was a barn, made entirely of meat, serving meat atop tables made of meat. The walls were lined with skulls that were formerly attached to moving meat. The waitresses were wearing meat hats and walking around on meat shoes. They served meat, with any of the meat sides you wanted. I ate lite.

Saturday morning, before the meat and Jesus event, we went to an indoor gun range. I was leary, as you can imagine. Firing off guns in the house is not something I have ever experienced. This was a pretty low tech sort of gig, it was a room, closed in, with holes everywhere, and some dim lighting. It's not what I imagined. It was more like firing guns inside an abandoned building (which is also pretty cool). When one of Artex's friend pulled out a pair of .454 caliber revolvers I was a little hesitant. In fact it would be safe to say that I was ready to leave the moment I stepped into the place and the huge guns were just one more motivating factor. I didn't want to be a douche so I went in anyway and watched Artex load one of the huge handguns. He showed me one of the bullets and I asked him what in the hell those guns were actually used for.

"They shoot bears with them I think" he laughed. Then he gave me an instruction I was not quite comfortable with. "Here, stand just behind me and off to my left" I thought that was rather specific, I was guessing it was just so I could get a good view of the carnage. Once he fired off that first round I immediately understood why he said that. When that thing went off it was a huge explosion, a big flash of fire spreading out at least 6 inches in every direction, the gun kicked up like a pissed off horse, and there was a shock wave that puffed my jacket open and almost knocked my ear protection off.

I shit you not.

I'm pretty sure I screamed like a girl and peed a little. It was worth it though. After firing one of the .40 calibur semi-auto a few times I worked up the nerve to try the .454. It was daunting, a huge gun, the bullets were so big that the revolver could only fit 5 rounds in it (as opposed to the usual 6 in non-cannons). When I let that thing off it was exhilerating though. I mean, it really was like being fired out of a cannon. Like letting a grenade go off in your hands but not being blown to bits.

Awesome.

So I emptied out the rest of the bullets in rapid succession. I'm pretty sure I didn't hit the target once but it was still a joy. I felt very butch. Once I put it down I went over and punched Dax in the eye, just to seal the deal.

I would say the weekend was a resounding success. No one died, no one got arrested, Misty looked great, I slept with all but one of the brides maids, and got shot out of a cannon in the name of Jesus. FTW.